"Women may fake orgasms sometimes...

But men can fake whole relationships"


(disclaimer, the post below is in no way a shot at any of my ex's - it's simply a trend I've noticed with several of my friends over the last several months and I thought it was blog-worthy and hopefully a little funny - please don't take offense)




Hi-de-ho neighbors. How's THAT quote for a wake-up-call on this beautiful hump day. Yes, my first human interaction this morning was one of my friends calling me and telling me that her MOTHER shared this quote with her. Apparently it's from some play that she saw recently and she thought "ya know what, I'm going to share this with my daughter" because that's not at all awkward. at all.


I'm sorry but I think it's really weird/uncomfortable/inappropriate for moms to say the word "orgasm" to anyone other than their husbands, lovers, and friends their age. I NEVER want to hear my mother use that word in her vocabulary. EVER. It just gives me the heeby-geebies, startles my gag reflex, leaves a horrible taste in my mouth and makes my neck hurt. Now I know, some 20-somethings have that relationship with their moms where they can shoot the shit and talk about their sex lives and not leave out any detail, and good for you if you're that comfortable with your mom, but me - I would rather stick my face on a cheese-grater and rub it until all my skin came off than talk to my mom about sex. Yes, a cheese-grater would be more comfortable than revealing anything about my sex life to my mom. Love her dearly but we've simply never had that kind of relationship.


That being said, I am still really glad that my friend's mom decided to share that quote this morning. 1) it gave me something to blog about, and 2) there is some MAJOR truth behind those words.


Side note - this had to be the absolute funniest thing for my friend to hear this morning because if you know her mom, you know that she is the most bible-beating, "cursing is wrong", "sex before marriage is wrong" mother you will ever meet in your life. And let's put it this way, my friend curses like a sailor and is definitely not married yet but has had her share of premarital sex partners, all of which her mother knows nothing about.


Ok, so back to the point - the quote: "Women may fake orgasms sometimes, but men can fake whole relationships"


Yes, I might be blogging to the girls for this post today, but boys, feel free to comment. We've all been there girls. Maybe it was high school, maybe it was college, maybe it was that relationship right out of college, hell, you might even be in something like this right now! But I think most women can relate to this.


The situation is always a little bit different, but the story remains the same. You meet a great guy and you start dating him for a month or so - or at least you THINK you're dating him. Ok, I mean, you're definitely seeing each other right? You hang out on the weekends together, you hook up, you've met his friends, he calls you at least a couple times a week - sends you texts & emails throughout the day - ok yeah you're DEFINITELY seeing each other. (in the words of my favorite blogger & favorite childhood show...) ZACK MORRIS TIME OUT: stop yourself RIGHT there my friend. The question is: have you DTRed? A guy can do ALL of these things from about the 2nd time he meets you, and this can go on for MONTHS, unless the 2 of you DTR. (side note: If you have to ask what DTR is, you're either too old or too young to be reading this blog so move along.)


And there always seems to be this huge drama about DTRing - girl thinks "well I mean I don't want to bring it up, I want him to. Because I dont want him to think I'm getting all clingy and shit. I just really like hanging out with him." (and believe me, I can say this with 100% accuracy because I've been there) And guy thinks "hey this is a cool girl, the sex is good, why would i want to change anything about what i've got going on right now?"


And both sides have valid points. Yes, the girl is afraid of putting herself out there and getting hurt. If the guy doesn't want to be "in a relationship" - facebook or otherwise - we'll have to either 1) backpedal and be like "oh me neither, I just want to if you want to" or 2) we'll have to end it. And let's face it ladies, we don't like either of those options most of the time. The guy, on the other hand is not programmed to commit - especially not in his 20s. Come on! You're in your prime! Why would you want to settle down when you have all the women of (insert city name here) right at your finger tips? "I'm going to see this girl for a while but ultimately I'm going to stay single because I am no where near ready to settle down yet." So what do the girls do? We wait. And we wait. And we wait some more, because we are convinced that he's going to DTR with us ANY day now.


Not so lucky, ladies. What actually starts happening is you go on with your normal life, hanging out with what you think is this GREAT guy, going on dates, hooking up, meeting his friends - hell it could go so far as meeting his parents! You start to convince yourself after a few months that "just because you dont have a title, doesnt mean anything - we ARE in a relationship". And of course all your friends know about you two, you just haven't gotten up the courage to talk to HIM about it. Meanwhile, he's hanging out with you, enjoying your company but not really taking any of it seriously. You're just a cool, convenient girl to satisfy his carnal needs for a while. (ok, in some cases you're more than that to a guy but let's just go with it for argument's sake)


Then one day, one of 2 things happens. 1) You're fed up, you decide it's been 2 months too long and you're going to DTR whether he likes it or not! So you give him that DTR speech and you wait for his response. The next thing you know, you're truly single again and that "great guy" is now an asshole. Whether his response to the DTR resulted in YOU ending things or HIM ending things, either way he likely thought you were not as serious as you did so the "relationship" is no-mas.
Scenario 2) You wake up one morning and find out that he thinks you should see other people. "What??" you think. Yeah, it's getting "too serious" or "i think you want more out of this than i do" or "I didnt move to Atlanta to find a girlfriend", "I can't give you what you want right now" And we girls sit here with a dumbfounded look on our face thinking where did we go wrong?


Well girls, in either scenario, there it is: he faked the relationship. He faked it so well that you legitimately thought you were IN a relationship. And now, he's like "what, no i never said that, i thought we were just "dating", I didnt think we were boyfriend/girlfriend" Oh, well thanks for clearing that up, asshole.


Now I won't say that we girls aren't partially at fault here - yes we SHOULD have DTRed with him after the first month(ish) of dating. But alas, we did not. But why did you let us in SO much and let us meet your friends and family? how can you hang out with us consecutively every weekend for X amount of months and not think that we were in a relationship? How?


I'll tell you how, you fuckers are good at faking it. It's like we're just rollin along, in happy la-la land with our man, then one day it's "haha! gotcha bitch! we're not in a relationship! i just treated you like my girlfriend for the last 6 months because you were a good lay and my friends thought you were cool" like i said, you fuckers are good at faking it. I mean really, you are. I'd love to get some pointers on how to do that for next time.


So kids, what have we all learned from this? hopefully, the next time you go through something like this, you've lived and learned. Don't wait 6 months next time. Don't be afraid of his commitment issues or his laisez-faire attitude about life - grab him by the balls and demand for him to tell you what he wants out of this. And don't let him give you a "oh yah know, whatever, we can just hang out for a while and see where it goes" crap. If he legitimately wants to date you, he'll tell you. If he doesn't he'll give you a cop-out like "oh yah know, whatever, we can just hang out for a while and see where it goes". There's no reason to waste your time on someone who is going to let you go at the drop of a hat after 6 months.


Well, I've definitely wasted a good 45 min of my work day blogging now so I guess it's time for me to go to lunch! Happy hump-day kids.