It's a nice day for a white-trash wedding

I know I know...
1) It's been a hot-minute since I last posted; and
2) My last topic was on weddings - dub-tee-fuck? what gives?

Well, first let me address the former. Last week was officially my week from hell. Satan came to visit and decided to knock me on my ass and keep a pitch-fork to my neck a-la-Jessica Simpson/Dukes of Hazzard/Direct TV commercial circa 2006 style, and didn't let me breathe til yesterday. It wasn't so bad after I blacked out. Everything kind of went numb for a while as I had an out-of-body experience, watching myself run around Johns Creek like a chicken with my head cut off from Thursday to Sunday. It was a rather humorous experience. And when I finally came to, I found myself waking up from a dream that I was throwing up everywhere, when, in actuality, I was just coughing up a lung. Thanks Satan. Come visit again soon please!

Last week I heard a great story about a wedding that my friend went to (ironically the same night I went to a wedding as well!) and this might be the best white-trash-wedding story I've heard yet! So, naturally, I want to share it with you all.

Backstory: Britney* and K-fed* are the players. They got engaged a little less than a year ago. And about 2 months into the engagement, Britney found out she was preggers. Yay! right? Shit - maybe I shouldn't bring this part of the story up because it's kind of sad and I'm going to look like a jack-ass for blogging about it. Ok, please cast your judgement elsewhere while I continue with the story. So Brit's preggers about 6 months before they're supposed to get married. Oops! Looks like the bride is going to be in a maternity gown! Except, shit...a few months go by and they lose the baby.

>>>Ok, see that, right there. that's why I look like a jackass. Shit. Ok, seriously, that's really actually pretty sad. But that's really not the point of this white-trash wedding post. So I'll continue<<<

So...after Brit lost the baby she and K-fed went to the courthouse to get married a couple months ago - but they really wanted to celebrate their marital vows with a reception. Which I can sort of respect but...it's kind of a "we want to have our cake and eat it too!" Usually, you invite people to a wedding and provide this grand ole party for everyone afterwards but they decided that just throwing a party would be all they'd do. Which, in retrospect is kind of really cool of them because who ACTUALLY enjoys sitting through weddings for any other reason than to scope out the groomsmen and bridesmaids for hitting on later? Whatevs. So, Britney is on her way to the reception, all dolled up in her pretty white dress. Hair and makeup is perfect. She's a vision in white! And on her way to the reception she receives a phone call and responds to the caller by saying "Are you serious? She's already drunk? I don't even want her to come if she's already wasted." Little do the bystanders know, she's referring to her mother.

Now I've known a mother-of-the-bride or two in my day to get a little sloshed at their son's or daughter's wedding...but never in this capacity. Usually it's Mary Anne who's doin the Soulja Boy at the reception with her daughter. Or it's Nancy taking shots with the groomsmen a la Mrs. Robinson-style. You watch from afar and secretly laugh in the corner with your date about how drunk Gertrude is, and it's all "can you believe she just lost a shoe on the dance-floor because she's so schwasty!? LOLZ!" But 2 Saturdays ago was another situation entirely. Yes, 2 Saturdays ago was like a bad car-crash. You didn't want to watch it but you couldn't turn away.

Lynn* shows up to Brit and K-Fed's wedding absolutely shit-faced. We're talking balls-to-the-wall, out of her mind, shmammered. And she's not a cute, sweet, funny drunk who's inappropriately hitting on a groomsman. She's a beligerent, mouthy, angry drunk that hits like a tornado. Please, allow me to share the dialogue with you:

Lynn (when she notices her daughter is getting all the attention because **Gasp!!** it's her wedding day): God Britney, you think it's all about YOU, don't you?? You think everyone is here to see YOU and celebrate YOU! Well, what about ME? (I know what you're thinking and YES, she does, in fact sound like a 6 year old!)

Britney: Uh, Mom, no offense but today IS all about me. It's MY friends, gathered here to celebrate MY wedding and MY public commitment to MY husband!

Lynn: You're such a fucking BITCH!!!!!!!! You just want ALL the attention! You think you're somethin else, dontcha?

Britney: Mom...please don't do this here. You're really drunk

Lynn: I'm NOT really drunk! You've just always been so selfish and now you want this whooooolllleeee day to be about YOU. You cunt!!!

Britney: Seriously MOM! Don't act like this! Please LEAVE!

Lynn: I'M not going to leave! If you'd quit acting like a spoiled bitch then we wouldn't be having this discussion!

Britney: Mom...seriously! Please stop!

(at this point their voices have escalated to the point that everyone at the reception is watching the interaction, shifting uncomfortably in their chairs)

Then, Lynn rears back to slap her daughter and Britney beats her mom to it and punches her in the face. Lynn goes down and tries to take Britney with her. Next thing you know the bride and her mother are rolling around in a barn. The wedding dress rips, there's mud all over it, hair is being pulled and it looks a little bit like Sammi and J-Woww at the end of last week's episode of Jersey Shore. After about 45 minutes, 4 grown men are finally able to wrestle Britney's mother into a car and send her home.

If that's not a white-trash wedding, I don't know what is...

* = names have been changed to protect the players AND the person who told me this story.

Happy Tuesday