Attack of the Christmas Sweaters!!!!!

It's Friday in December so you know what that means: There's a Tacky Christmas Sweater party in every apartment complex in Buckhead and on every other street corner. And I, for one, am so excited! Tacky Christmas sweater parties are always fun. Last year I went to a friend's party and actually won 2nd place for the tackiest outfit. I wore one of my mother's (bless her heart) favorite red sweaters that has 3-d embroidered wreaths all over it, paired it with a black skirt, some knee high socks with bells on the top, my high black boots which I wrapped red and green tinsel around, and some snowflake ornaments for earrings. I also had my mom's Santa pin in the middle of her 3-d wreath sweater, a big red bow in my hair and finally a GIANT puffy red bow on my ass. I mean this thing was probably 18-20 inches wide. Found it at Wal-mart and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to go on your front door, but I decided to get creative and put it on my back door - HEY-OOHH!!!

I had trouble squeezing in between people to get to the Christmas Keg but gosh-darnit did I look tacky/awesome. I feel like I have some idea of what JLo must feel like on a daily basis.

So, tonight is the first of several tacky christmas parties I'm attending this December. And I have to find a way to top my outfit from last year. Granted, I know a lot of people that are gonig to be at this party tonight were not in attendance at last year's party because I didn't know them last year. But there will be a few familiar faces and I can't just re-use the same outfit as last year! I might still use the bow but I've got to have more than just that this year. So, I came across my old red pants during my move this past week, I also have red, green and gold beads that one would string around a christmas tree, 6 of my mom's sweaters and 2 of her beautiful white button down shirts with santa and reindeer embroidered on them. It's simply a matter of what to pair together. I'm going to have a fashion show for my roommate this afternoon and we'll decide the best option I suppose. One thing is for certain, there will be lots of pictures taken tonight and I can't WAIT.

And you know the best thing about this particular tacky christmas party? it's for charity! And it's at Sweetwater! Two of my favorite things! Sweetwater beer and giving back to the community! So if you're looking for something to do tonight, head on down to Sweetwater around 9pm and dress in your tackiest Christmas apparel - it's going to be a roaring good time. ok, there's my plug, i'll move on now.

I don't know about you, but I grew up going to a fairly traditional church in Buckhead, meaning every Sunday we'd wear a church-appropriate dress or skirt and top, the men would wear suits or at least a tie, and some women even wore their sunday church hats! Over the years, the church as become a little less traditional, being that it's located in buckhead, they don't want to turn anyone away because of the way they're dressed so a contemporary service was born about 10 years ago. But Christmas eve, that's one church service that remains the same every year. It might be one of my favorite days to go to church for a plethora of reasons. First of all, it is quite literally Attack of the Christmas Sweaters. I don't know what it is about the 80s and 90s fashion trends but for some reason, every woman over the age of about 30 wears one of these sweaters that they bought in 1991 They think that 18 years later it's still in style. And in some cases, their husbands don some pretty tacky stuff as well. Now these are not your normal solid color ribbed turtle neck sweaters - although those are quite popular. No, those are generally worn underneath the sweaters I'm talking about. I'm referring to the Christmas sweaters that razzle and dazzle, that have 2-inch thick woven objects on the front and back of them, that have glitter, and tassles and sequins and beads! I'm talking about the REAL Christmas sweaters. My best friend growing up, Erin, and I are baffled by the kind of shit we see every year. I mean I can't quite believe that stores still sell this crap. Or perhaps these women have held on to these sweaters for about 15 years, kept them in mint condition and bust them out around the holidays. I think the only thing I don't really see much of anymore is the puff paint sweaters/sweatshirts, and thank GOD for that. My mom made a Christmas tree sweatshirt one year -one for herself and one for me of course. And it had a giant puff-paint christmas tree with jewels (bought at our local Michael's store) glued on as ornaments. And I thought it was the coolest thing ever! When I was 7 and wanted to dress like my mom. By the time you get to about the 4th or 5th grade though, you start truly determining what's cool and what's not and (in the words of Kevin McAllister) "You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinasour pajamas." Pretty sure that my mom kept wearing her sweatshirt well into the late 90s though and finally I made her retire it.

Anyway, so Erin and I, every Christmas eve sit in the pews at our church and watch everyone go up and take communion. I'll be watching one side while she watches the other and one of our mouths will drop open and we'll elbow the other and simply stare. And as soon as the other one of us meets the line of staring we'll look at each other and try to muffle our uncontrollable laughter, because we will have just spotted the first attack of the Christmas sweaters. It will likely be some kind of cardigan with faux fur on the collar and bottom of the sleeves and waistband of the sweater. It will probably be red or green, and it will have woven reindeer with little jingle bells on the necks of the deer prancing along the bottom of the sweater, followed by a row of penguins or santa heads, and perhaps some snowflakes made out of cotton balls and glitter. Or perhaps there will be a patterned red and green sweater with a giant santa pin that has cotton balls for his beard and a bell on his hat. Or maybe a giant frosty the snowman. Or presents with actual ribbon jutting out from the sweater. The possibilities are endless. And it's always fun to see the husbands who got a Christmas sweater from their wives or in-laws the year before, and they got suckered in to wearing it on Christmas eve. To be honest, it's hard for me to even describe the men's sweaters. How about we just take a look, shall we? I think The Santa Clause sums it up pretty well:

Oh Neil, the psychiatrist, aka, Charlie's step-dad in The Santa Clause. I think Tim Allen even takes a crack at Neil in the movie about his sweater. I mean that thing is atrocious. And I think he has it in like 5 different color patterns.
Of course Old Saint Nick doesn't have a great Christmas Sweater either:

They don't get much better than that for the men do they?
Here's a few I found via google that I think truly illustrate my point in terms of being fuzzy, glittery, 3-d and just absolutely vomit-worthy:

Nice use of the beads and sparkles

Check out the fuzzies on that one!

Rudolph, always a personal favorite

And the patches, always a nice touch

In the words of Tim Gunn: That's a lot of look!

In addition to LOVING the tacky christmas sweater victims at the Christmas eve service, Erin and I also get a HUGE kick out of the children's sermon on Christmas eve. All the kids from age 2 to 12 go up to the front of the church and listen to the pastor tell the Christmas story. And I think the 2-5 year olds are my favorite. First off, they're really cute, but a lot of them are also extremely easily distracted. So you've got your little 3-year old girls in their red velvet dresses, white tights and mary janes with big bows in their hair and they're standing up while the pastor is trying to tell the Christmas story, waving to their parents and pulling their dresses over their heads, sometimes even singing random la-las that don't have any melody to them at all. They're simply trying to make noise. Then you've got the 5 year old boys who have way to much energy and they're running around the pulpit and jumping off the 5 stairs that lead up to the pulpit. Then there's the 8 year old trying to calm down their little brother, shh-ing him while keeping their 2 year old sister in their lap who's half asleep. Then there's the one kid crying, another picking his nose and staring off into outer space, it just gets funnier and funnier. There will be the occasional kid who will not stop talking, trying to get their parent's attention, "mom! mom! i'm over here! hey! mom! mom!" (i'm picturing Stewie in Family guy). Or another kid who keeps interrupting the pastor because he has a question or wants to tell everyone what he asked santa for for christmas. One thing is for certain, not a single child is paying attention to what the pastor is saying, why is this I wonder? Maybe because Santa is coming in less than 12 hours and OMG isn't it so exciting????? What do you expect from a bunch of kids on christmas eve? Either way, Erin and I are about to wet our pants we're laughing so hard at these ADD kids. And then comes the end of the service when the lights come down in the church and we all light a candle and sing Silent Night. I don't know what it is but Erin and I always find this hilarious too. I think because it's supposed to be so serious and serene, and because when we're together we have about the same maturity level as the kids that were just running all over the sanctuary during the children's sermon. Even at age 24, our parents have to shoot us stern looks during this song if we become distracting. But it's totally worth it, because it's Christmas eve!

Yes, there is something so wonderfully spec-TACK-ular about the Christmas season and it all starts tonight with my first Tacky Christmas party! Again, come join us at Sweetwater if you don't have anything to do tonight in Atlanta - or even if you do have something to do, change your plans because it's going to be LEGENDARY!

Fa La La!

B