Will the Have-Knots Please Stand Up?

Wedding Season is upon us. It's April, which means the next 6 months will be filled with couples showers, bachelorette parties and of course, the ever-impending nuptuals of some of our best friends. Every twenty-something goes through this, pretty much every year, until they're well into their 30s. And even then, sometimes, they have another sweep of friends who are either "finally getting married" after dating someone for 7 years, or, in the extremely lucky cases, friends who are on their second marriage. (AmIright?) Being 25, I'm right in my prime for the next 6 months to be filled with "wedded bliss" every year for the next 4 years of my life, at least. Now, a girl can dream that her own wedding will fall into this 6 month period at some point, but the truth of the matter is, I don't see that happening any time soon for me. I'll probably be in the 2nd sweep, the 30 something sweep, when everyone is "so over" going to their friends' weddings. But ya know what, you better believe that every single person who's wedding I attend will be getting an invite from me as well. It's only fair, right? I'm shelling out money for your happy day when, let's face it, I'm broke - so it's only fair that those of us who refuse to grow up have to wait 10 years longer for Mr. Right get to be showered with attention and gifts from our far richer friends by the time we actually move from being a "have-knot" to a "have". (I'm only half kidding here - I love my friends and I'm glad that they want to include me in their big day, but until I'm in their shoes, I don't think I'll every truly appreciate all of the festivities as much as they do.)

Now some of you may be wondering "what the hell is a 'have-knot'?" And some of you may be clever enough to figure it out. And some of you may even be familiar with the literary genius that IS Aaron Karo, whom I've referenced before.
I gotta say, Karo has it right. The "Have-Knots" are those of us who have managed to stay single while all of our marriage-minded friends have found someone "to have and to hold from this day forth". Aaron is the ring-leader of the Have-Knots, in my opinion. Not only did he coin the term, but he's managed to stay single into his early 30s and he's put on a happy face for each wedding he's attended (or so I would imagine). He enjoys celebrating the "big day" with his friends, and Lord knows he makes the most of it by taking advantage of the B&B (booze and bridesmaids). And I've gotta hand it to him. That's the way to do it. Seek out the singles and throw caution to the wind for the evening. Make inappropriate toasts and do your best to get rip-roaringly drunk, because, why not? You've shelled out plenty of cash to attend the wedding, showers, bachelor/bachelorette party - might as well take advantage of the open bar that the bride's parents shelled out some serious denero for.

As I'm sure you're aware, as we get older, the "have-knots" group gets smaller and smaller. So the only way to immediately distinguish yourself from the "haves" is by openly showing that you're there to have a good ole time by popping the champagne early. Sure, you can scout the scene during the actual ceremony - who appears to be coupled up? who appears to be single? But as soon as the reception starts, you've got to make your move. There are only so many have-knots left and in my experience, the best way to spot them is to watch for who's hitting the bar as soon as humanly possible. The single women are the ones who are standing with at least one of their girlfriends (or by themselves if the have-knots have really dwindled) scouting the scene for booze and ringless left fingers. The single men are grabbing the scotch and sizing up the prospects. The visual commonality here is the bar. The "haves" will likely head to their tables first, to get a good seat with all of their other couple friends. Then the women send their husbands or grooms-to-be to the bar for a white wine spritzer or something equally gay. But the singles could care less about sitting at the tables because everyone knows they're on a liquid diet for the night and want to stay as close to the bar as humanly possible for at least the first hour of the reception. And they're not settling for weak, fruity drinks. They're hitting the vodka, the bourbon and the rum as soon as humanly possible. Because let's face it, if you're a "have-knot" at a wedding full of "haves", you probably either 1) relish the opportunity to meet the remaining have-knots and need a little (or a lot) of liquid courage, 2) have adopted Aaron Karo's "I'm having more fun than you" mantra and almost purposefully are on your worst behavior because you don't have a nagging spouse to put you in your place or 3) (and this is only if the have-knots are truly dwindling in numbers) you're hoping that enough booze will make the remaining have-knots attractive enough to want to make out with...at least.

Almost all of us have been there (except for the few "blessed" friends we all know who haven't been single since high school), but I doubt there are many people who can say they have walked away from every wedding they've attended as a "have-knot" with grace and poise. Most of us head home the day after the wedding with our heads hung in shame for various reasons. But I'm here to tell you that as much as we might hate it at the time, the have-knots are wonderful people to know and wonderful people to be (and you should believe this until you go to the dark side "settle down" of course - and even then, many of them are missed). We are the reason that people remember the wedding. No press is bad press in my mind. The more horrific the wedding, the more embarrassing the toast, the more inappropriate the dance moves, the funnier and more memorable that wedding will be when you look back on that glorious day. The great thing about being a Have-Knot is that all of the Haves can piece together the night for you in meticulous detail the following day (because they all remained stone-cold sober, relative to the have-knots). Sure, you might feel a pang of terror and embarrassment when you have a vague flashback of showing your ta-tas to the bar tender in order to score one more drink after he cut you off for the night. Or perhaps you discreetly puking into a random person's purse might make you feel a level of shame that you've never felt before. And no doubt that when you repeatedly fell over on the dance-floor, simultaneously ripping your pants or dress in a most-inappropriate way and not realizing it until a Have escorted you to the bathroom to clean yourself up, you probably felt some sense of mortification. But this is the stuff dreams are made of. You can't make this shit up (believe it or not, I only made up one of the above three, see if you can guess which). We Have-Knots are the reason that our some of our married friends stay together, because they don't want to go back to a time when they acted like us. On the other hand, it's also the reason some of our married friends probably divorce, because they miss their child-like ways. Either way, we're better people for helping them realize either the worst mistake they've ever made or the best decision of their lives.

All in all, the Have-Knots are awesome. Period.

And I, for one, can't wait to attend my next wedding as a Have-Knot. I'm going to do Aaron Karo proud. And I hope you'll join me.